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soc.bi FAQ section A: on bisexuality
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| This section is designed to answer some questions
regularly asked about bisexuality. They should provide some background
to issues which are often discussed on soc.bi. |
Contents
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| Bisexuality means sexual or romantic attraction or
behavior directed towards some members of more than one sex. |
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| A strict definition of a bisexual would be someone
who has romantic and/or sexual relations with other people of more than
one sex (though not necessarily at the same time - see
section A8). However, since not everyone has necessarily had the
opportunity to act on their sexual/romantic attractions, some people
prefer a looser definition; for instance, that a bisexual is a person
who - in their own estimation - feels potentially able to have
such attraction. This could be anyone who has erotic, affectionate, or
romantic feelings for, fantasies of, and/or experiences with both men
and women.
A bisexual may be more attracted to one sex than the other, attracted
equally to both, or find people's sex unimportant (see
section A7). The strength of their attractions to men and women may
vary over time. |
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| Yes. Definitions for "a bisexual" are suggested
above - all relating to attraction and behaviour. "Bisexual" (and the
short form, "bi") is sometimes used as an adjective, to describe a
bisexual person. However, many people who exhibit bisexual behaviour
do not identify as bisexual; and other people may identify as bisexual
for reasons other than those suggested in the narrow definitions of
section A2. In other words, bisexual identity and
bisexual behaviour are not necessarily the same thing. So the word
bisexual is being used in two different ways here.
Some argue that if bisexual is to mean anything, it must have a
strong definition - that of exhibiting bisexual behaviour, or at least
the potential for it. Others feel it is more important to respect
people's self-definition whatever it is.
It has been suggested that the word "bisexual" should be limited to
describing behaviour, and the word "bi" could be used for describing
identity, with all the cultural implications which have grown up in the
bi community.
Since the word "bisexual" can be used in different ways, it is enough
to bear this in mind and make it clear how you are using it, in
the interests of good communication. |
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| (See section
B12 for the
definitions of MOTSS
and MOTOS) Can
you be? Sure. Are you? That's up to you to decide; nobody can make that
decision for you, and nobody has the right to tell you your decision is
wrong. Bisexuality isn't about whom you sleep with, it's about
how you feel; so a good rule of thumb in defining your sexual
identity is not what you've done, but what you'd like to do. |
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| The simple answer is "no" or at least "not
necessarily" - many of us are absolutely certain that we are attracted
to both sexes; there is no confusion. Many people are bisexual for life,
which proves it is not always just a phase.
It is natural for people who are coming to terms with a sexuality
which is not society's norm to be feel confused. For some people,
bisexuality is a phase between homosexuality and heterosexuality (and
the individual in question could be going in either direction); for
others it can just be a brief experimentation. But for many people
bisexuality is a lifelong, committed sexual orientation.
And even for those who ultimately do not stay bisexual for life, that
does not make it any the less valid as a sexual orientation. Many people
have reported that their sexual orientation has shifted over time;
sexuality is dynamic, not fixed. For some people it may be a small
shift, others a major change of lifestyle; but this does not make the
points in between in any sense "wrong". Life is a continuous process,
and few of us remain exactly the same over long periods of time.
Some people who behave bisexually (having sex with both MOTSS and
MOTOS over time) identify themselves as gay or lesbian or straight. This
too does not mean that they are confused, only that they base their
sexual identity on their primary interest rather than going for the more
technical term bisexual. |
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| It's difficult for some lesbian/gay people to come
to grips with their homosexuality, and for a while, dating MOTOS may
make life seem a little more "normal" and bearable. Let's face it,
coming out of the closet and living as a homosexual is no picnic;
between the sanctioned discrimination which gay/bi men face of being in
a perceived high risk group for AIDS, and the social standards of love,
courtship, and marriage, being gay at times takes more energy than
humans should be asked to give. But coming out bisexual is no easy
matter, either. Some bisexuals have to face loved ones who have relied
in the past on their attraction to them being constant, and who have to
assure them that it will be there in the future. We also often have to
deal with straight friends who assure us that our attraction to MOTSS is
just "a way of avoiding intimacy" or gay friends who suggest that our
attraction to MOTOS is "internalized homophobia". At all events, whether
or not a bisexual is currently involved with a MOTSS, to much of the
straight world anyone who comes out as bi is queer, "one of them," and
is discriminated against and excluded on that basis. Thus, being bi is
not an "easy way out," a "denial," or a "middle ground." It is for many
people the hardest decision they will ever make. |
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| Many bisexuals feel they have a "preference" for one
sex over the other, but they do not deny their attraction for that other
sex. Some bisexuals, however, have no such preference, and instead
focus their attractions on qualities they see in an individual
regardless of that person's sex. Sometimes these qualities involve sex,
sometimes not. For example, some people find men attractive as men, and
women attractive as women; others find people's sex irrelevant. |
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| No. People who call themselves bisexual are saying
that they are attracted to both men and women. They don't necessarily
have to act on that attraction, any more than straight or gay people
have to act on their attraction to people of the same sex as their
partner. There is a separate newsgroup, alt.polyamory, for
discussion of the issues relating to the dynamics of multi-way
relationships (whether involving bisexuals or not). |
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| Yes, some are. It depends on the individual. It's
like asking "Can a straight person be monogamous?" Some bisexuals are
monogamous, and some aren't. Monogamy is the socially sanctioned option
with respect to relationships, but then so is heterosexuality. It should
be up to every individual, of any sexuality, to choose the lifestyle
which is right for them. |
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| A bisexual deciding to be monogamous is not deciding
to be "gay" or "straight." He/she is still bisexual; he/she has chosen a
person to live his or her life with, not an orientation,
preference or ideology. It is important to recognize that he/she still
feels bisexual. |
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| Not by any useful definition. A useful definition of
bisexuality might be, anyone who has serious relationships with members
of both sexes, and anyone who identifies as bisexual. It is possible to
suggest that everyone has some potential for attraction to both sexes,
but since most people never act on it, (*) this is pretty irrelevant.
If someone says that they are straight, or (gay/lesbian) then for you to
insist that they are "really" bisexual but perhaps just don't realise it
is to deny them their self-identity. Everyone should be free to define
their own identity for themselves, which invalidates this kind of
generalisation.
Moreover, bisexuality is not better than being straight or
gay. The best thing for each individual is to be what they feel is
right. So please do not think that people identify as bisexual if they
are "more highly evolved" or more in touch with their inner feelings.
Accept diversity - different people really are different.
(*) Research carried out at the Harvard School of Public Health, USA
in 1994 found that 20.8% of the men and 17.8% of the women studied
admitted to same-sex sexual attraction/behaviour at some time in their
lives. |
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| While homophobia is a bi issue (many would say the
biggest issue), we do also have concerns different from those of the gay
community; the most striking being that of dealing with prejudice from
the gay community itself! Among our other issues is the problem of
dealing with the emotion of
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| One reason is because we are sometimes perceived as
"hiding," a sense that some bisexuals use their bisexuality to look
heterosexual at work, in straight social settings, to enjoy the
"heterosexual privilege" that is part of the social norm. Secondly,
bisexuals are sometimes seen as blurring the issues and weakening the
lesbian and gay movement. Naturally, bisexual activists disagree with
this view (we feel that the real issue is sexual freedom for all
sexualities), but sometimes lesbians and gays label bisexuals "traitors"
for this reason. A further reason is that some lesbians and gay men also
have sex with MOTOS (while not identifying as bisexual). Often peer
pressure means that they can't admit this in the lesbian and gay
communities, and see bisexuality as a threat to their own acceptance.
And finally, simply because of the fear that arises out of ignorance and
out of the media's very poor record of portraying bisexuals as serial
killers, homophobes and generally self-centred, confused people.
The lesbian and gay communities are oppressed by homophobia and
prejudice, but unfortunately being oppressed is no guarantee that you
won't oppress others. Happily, prejudice against bisexuals in the
lesbian and gay communities seems to be diminishing over time as more
people come to accept that sexuality is not a monochrome issue. |
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| Some of us have tried, but why should we? Denying
our attraction to one sex or the other hurts. If you ask the
question out of innocence (you don't feel this attraction, so why should
anybody?) then you're asking us to put away feelings that we cannot and
will not live without. If you ask these questions with full knowledge of
the issues at hand, then your question is as patently offensive as a
white supremacist asking us to choose one race over another. |
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| Look at your life, and decide that if by telling
them you will help yourself, and by not telling them you won't hurt
yourself (one doesn't necessarily preclude the other). Both instances,
of telling or not telling, can be problems. They may not accept you,
then again, maybe they will. Not telling them may leave you at peace, or
it may gnaw at your mind constantly, with "I really need to tell them"
or "I really need to tell someone who knows me well". There
are many people in the bisexual community who can tell you of good and
bad situations that have happened to us with each different type of
decision. Indeed, these "coming-out stories" (so called because they
describe "coming out of the closet" and telling people of our sexuality)
are often to be heard whenever bisexuals meet - it is something that
brings us together, because so many of us have one of these stories to
tell.
But, ultimately, the decision is yours, and must be made by you. We
can offer support for your courage, and comfort for your loss, happiness
for your gain. But you must make the step to make it all
possible. You must decide whether any need to know, or whether you
want any to know. Good luck. |
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| You're talking to one right now. We are here to
share our lives, through stories, history, friends, family; we are here,
on soc.bi, to reach out from one bisexual to another and bridge
the gap between isolated bisexual communities. To be the human part of
the interface. We are slowly coming together, demanding that our love
of both sexes not be ridiculed or minimized. Demanding that as much as
the gay/lesbian community wants recognition and respect from the
straight community, we demand recognition and respect from both. We are
falling in love or grieving in loss; we deal with the very human issues
of having children; we deal with a world after the advent of AIDS. We
enjoy discussing our shared experiences that make us slightly different
to the rest of the world. What else is a community? |
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| Yes. Some lesbian/gay venues (pubs/bars, clubs,
meeting-rooms) welcome bisexuals (or in some cases, at least tolerate
us). Many major cities in the UK and the USA (and, increasingly, in
Australia) have bisexual groups which meet regularly and provide a
bi-friendly "space". Details of how to get in contact with the nearest
such group to you can be found in:
The Bisexual Resource Guide, edited by Robyn Ochs. It is
published by the `Bisexual Resource Center'. Send US$11.95 to BRC, PO
Box 639, Cambridge, Massachusetts 02140, USA.
Additions since the most recent edition of this are included in the
Bisexual Resources List (see
section A20). |
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| The Bisexual Resources List (cf.
section A20)
gives up-to-date details of how to get lists of books (both general
literature, and specifically Science Ficton/Fantasy) with bisexual
themes and/or characters. Additions to these lists are always welcomed. |
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| Dr. Alfred Kinsey created a scale, graduated between
heterosexuality and homosexuality, to rate individuals on actual
experiences and psychological reactions. The ratings are as follows:
0 - Entirely heterosexual.
1 - Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual.
2 - Predominantly heterosexual, but with a distinct homosexual history.
3 - Equally heterosexual and homosexual.
4 - Predominantly homosexual, but with a distinct heterosexual history.
5 - Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual.
6 - Entirely homosexual.
Clearly anything above 0 and less than 6 can be defined as bisexual.
Although many people will say "I am Kinsey (whatever)," it should be
noted that subsequent researchers such as Klein have found it more
useful to rate people on a variety of levels, such as "Past History,"
"Present History," "Present Feelings," and "Future Inclinations".
Nevertheless the Kinsey scale remains a useful tool for discussion of
sexuality precisely because it is so simple. |
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